i just need to get this out. i'm sitting here during ushering (thank god may let me get my laptop to do work. cider house is a three hour long play, so i have plenty of downtime) and i felt like i needed to write this.
brook and i are having problems. big problems. major issues. i hate how everyone has this picture like we're the cutest couple in the world, and that we don't have problems and we're just a healthy, normal relationship. we have problems. more than most of you could probably imagine. i know perhaps that all this may sound like is narcissistic whining, well i don't care. this is my lj and my time to just write so if there's a problem deal.
it's to the point where i'm on the brink, on the edge. i keep having these thoughts that perhaps we should take a break. there's one side of me that wants to, and there's the other side of me that feels i'm overreacting and that everything will be fine. that side also realizes it would be hell without him. but then the other side says that i would be happier, that i would have more fun, that i could go out and i would feel special, that i would be beautiful, that i would feel loved.
i don't care if a person says "i love you" a thousand times...saying it is completely different from acting it. and brook knows, he knows by his actions that sometimes i'm not sure. it's not like we're having problems such as someone's cheating, or something by that means. it's more emotional neglect. i just feel like most of the time life is about brook, it's all about brook, it's all about his needs, his emotions, his problems, etc. etc. i feel like when i bring up my problems, all he does is try to compete and show just how much harder he has it.
for instance, i've fallen behind in school for him. because he'll want to do something, or just relax, and he'll want me to spend the night. so i do to make him happy, and that's caused my work to fall behind. but when he has school work, or class, has he done the same for me? of course not, because then i get a guilt trip for asking him to go out with me for a few hours if he has a test the next day at 7:30 at night. god forbid he gets a full 24 hours of studying when i've missed deadlines on papers for him.
it's just little things like that. like how he promised he would come watch me during greek week, and then i end up calling him each day he promised because either he forgot or he slept in til 12 and didn't start his work until 1 and has to finish his work.
he keeps telling me he's going to try harder, and he knows he's treated me like shit. he knows that i've been there for him and he hasn't been there for me. he knows the promises that he's made he's broken them. but it's to the point where i don't believe it anymore.
i'm at the point where i've lost my sparkle. where the kisses don't have that tingle anymore. i tore myself open to him on sunday. i had a huge breakdown and i was hyperventilating to the point he was about to call an ambulance. i've only ever had a breakdown similar to that, and that was in front of my mother when i was fourteen, and it was NO where near as bad as sunday night. i literally handed him my heart, and he just has not done ANYTHING with it.
he treats me more often than not like i'm just a good buddy. that's all i feel like anymore. it just feels.....off.
and i'm scared. because this is the man i said i was going to spend the rest of my life with.........and now i'm not so sure. God, please help me. All i'm asking, God, is to have that sparkle back...
..................i just want my sparkle back.