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Feb. 9th, 2009

white collar/ doctor who

(no subject)

wow. hello world. a lot has happened.

i tend to write in an actual journal now. you wouldn't want to read it. it'd probably unnerve you.

brook and i broke up back in October as means of a break. But it's official. it's done. it's an end to a 4 year chapter. and now i am at the beginning of another chapter of my life.

i would like to remain friends...four years isn't something that's easy to throw down the drain. but i don't think he's going to be able to.

i shall see.

hmmm...bartending now...still auditioning...still trying to save money to get new headshots (and pay off a shitload of bills).

hopefully when I do my taxes this friday with the wonderful Gallagher I'll be getting enough back to pay for a new deposit on a NEW apartment (my landlord is selling the place...so much for a lease renewal) and updated headshots.

although, I still haven't determined if I want to dye my hair a different color.

i am tired. literally and figuratively.

i won't fall asleep though until at least 4. my usually bedtime. damn work for being slow. stupid economy.

hn. this entry was somewhat pointless. and a bit bi-polar as well.


oh yeah. and still haven't quit the cigs. well i did for three weeks. annnd then the break=up happened. i think i'll have one now :-)

Sep. 23rd, 2006

white collar/ doctor who

i cried a river over you

...this has got to be the worst year ever....

...i don't know how i feel about anything anymore. i'm never happy. i feel like brook and i are just falling out of love. he's been such an ass in the manner of immaturity, and we had this whole emotional discussion last week where we were both crying and once again he's back to his old ways.

...we're allowing ourselves to date other people. well, he says he won't, but i can't guarentee anything. maybe i'll go out and realize he is the right one for me, or maybe i'll go out and have fun and find other guys that actually make me HAPPY and make me feel special.

i just want to sleep and never wake up. i contemplated it last night. i'm sick of crying. i'm sick of life. i'm sick of having every damn good thing at me thrown in my face tenfold as if God's just saying "HAHA fooled you."

i need therapy. i need happiness. i need parents who care, and who believe i will succeed, and don't feed me bullshit all the time. i need a guy who's not going to make me cry over him every other day. i deserve better...at least i'd like to think i do...maybe i don't...maybe this is my just reward for something i fucked up in during my lifespan.

Aug. 24th, 2006

white collar/ doctor who

*frustrated*

i'm really disappointed in myself. i've worked really hard this summer to try to get into shape, and i thought it was paying off. i felt toner, i feel toner, hell i thought i even looked it. and i don't know if its because of running but my damn pants feel tighter than they were before. it just frustrates me, because i'm trying so damn hard, and i've been trying to eat healthy and i've been exercising six days a week and nothing seems to be working.

this is where i wish i had the control that anorexics have with food. maybe if i just had the control to not eat this wouldn't be so damn hard. i tear myself up over this shit. and the worst thing is my entire career is based off weight/appearance first before talent. i'm not "fat" enough to play the character role, and i'm not "skinny" enough to play the lead. so i'm fucked. i just want to get down to a size four so bad...i'd really like a size two but that's not gonna happen, so i'll shoot for a four.

thing is, the harder i try, the less everything seems to be working. hell during my freshman year of college i only exercised 5 days a week for a half hour, and i lost 20 some pounds...two years later i exercise 6 days a week, usually twice a day for 30 minutes to over 2 and a half hours depending. i eat healthier. you'd think i'd lose it? no. i gain it apparently.

fuck it. maybe the ana way is the best way to go

Aug. 14th, 2006

white collar/ doctor who

hurt

i just made myself throw up because of how upset i am. great. old habits die hard. now if only i could apply this control to food, i could lose weight.

Jul. 25th, 2006

white collar/ doctor who

orgasmic

the apartment smells like bruschetta and cinnamon dough...omg...i'm in heaven

Jun. 2nd, 2006

white collar/ doctor who

*Stars are Blind*

life has been pretty good. i moved into the apartment (so i'm back at school...or actually close to it by 3 miles). i've been looking around for jobs, classes start the twelfth. though it sucks not having brook here (he's all the way up in Cape Cod for the summer...booo, but yay for him getting the internship)

anywho, i had an audition in the city today for an indie film. so i went, did my thing. on the contact sheet it stated the they would call to discuss callbacks up to the 9th. Well, after the audition, the director told me when the callbacks would take place because "i definitely want to see you again."

*EEP!*

i got a call back *shwing*

when i got back to hoboken, it started to insanely pour rain. but it was wonderful. i was so happy, and elated, and the water was so cool that i didn't care i was getting soaked walking to my car. a cop was nice enough to stopand ask if i needed a ride, but i happily told him "oh it's okay, my car's right there" (which it was).

so all in all it's been a pretty good day. i just hope the job thing works out, lol

May. 7th, 2006

white collar/ doctor who

UGH

i think my brain is going to explode from all of the information i've been studying over the past week. to say this week has been stressful is an understatement. i've been in the balancing studying, finding a job, going to interviews, filling out applications, keeping contact with the family, looking for an apartment for the summer, finalizing the rent for the apartment, MORE studying lol.

i've been studying theatre history like crazy this week. i NEED to get a good grade on this final. i also need to start studying for bogle's final more, since it IS tomorrow. then i need to make sure to get the security deposit check in. ohhh so many things to do and such little time to do it in.

alright, this has been bothering me for about...oh...the past five minutes since i've heard it. apparently there's a lovely rumor going around saying that I called the cops on Jen's pre-cinco de mayo shindig, and i DON'T appreciate it. i'm sorry, but i think i have better things to do than bust up people's parties. yes, i didn't go. want to know why? let's see, after friday night's party at brooks i didnt want to look at alcohol let alone be around it. i also went back to freeman to grab my books and go back to brooks to start studying, b/c my theatre history is that crazy (plus a total of five finals too). oh, yeah, and i also called and talk to my dad that night because i had missed his birthday, and i can only talk to him late at night because of when he gets back from work.

it just irritates me that the epitomy of college has come down to a more fucked up version of highschool. geez, it's like that time there was a rumor going around saying i was going to sue a sorority??? these rumors are absolutely ridiculous, and are not appreciated.

people can believe what they want to believe, but i hope people believe the truth. i didn't do shit. end of story.

ugh.

anywho, i leave the 11th, stay at brook's that night, and then i'm back home the 12th. i'm excited to see friends, family, and my pets (yay for buddy, rita, and snuggles).

welllllll....after that (and i feel much better) i need to get back to studying like mad. *sigh* oh finals, i hate you. love, volkar

Apr. 26th, 2006

white collar/ doctor who

(no subject)

i just need to get this out. i'm sitting here during ushering (thank god may let me get my laptop to do work. cider house is a three hour long play, so i have plenty of downtime) and i felt like i needed to write this.

brook and i are having problems. big problems. major issues. i hate how everyone has this picture like we're the cutest couple in the world, and that we don't have problems and we're just a healthy, normal relationship. we have problems. more than most of you could probably imagine. i know perhaps that all this may sound like is narcissistic whining, well i don't care. this is my lj and my time to just write so if there's a problem deal.

it's to the point where i'm on the brink, on the edge. i keep having these thoughts that perhaps we should take a break. there's one side of me that wants to, and there's the other side of me that feels i'm overreacting and that everything will be fine. that side also realizes it would be hell without him. but then the other side says that i would be happier, that i would have more fun, that i could go out and i would feel special, that i would be beautiful, that i would feel loved.

i don't care if a person says "i love you" a thousand times...saying it is completely different from acting it. and brook knows, he knows by his actions that sometimes i'm not sure. it's not like we're having problems such as someone's cheating, or something by that means. it's more emotional neglect. i just feel like most of the time life is about brook, it's all about brook, it's all about his needs, his emotions, his problems, etc. etc. i feel like when i bring up my problems, all he does is try to compete and show just how much harder he has it.

for instance, i've fallen behind in school for him. because he'll want to do something, or just relax, and he'll want me to spend the night. so i do to make him happy, and that's caused my work to fall behind. but when he has school work, or class, has he done the same for me? of course not, because then i get a guilt trip for asking him to go out with me for a few hours if he has a test the next day at 7:30 at night. god forbid he gets a full 24 hours of studying when i've missed deadlines on papers for him.

it's just little things like that. like how he promised he would come watch me during greek week, and then i end up calling him each day he promised because either he forgot or he slept in til 12 and didn't start his work until 1 and has to finish his work.

he keeps telling me he's going to try harder, and he knows he's treated me like shit. he knows that i've been there for him and he hasn't been there for me. he knows the promises that he's made he's broken them. but it's to the point where i don't believe it anymore.

i'm at the point where i've lost my sparkle. where the kisses don't have that tingle anymore. i tore myself open to him on sunday. i had a huge breakdown and i was hyperventilating to the point he was about to call an ambulance. i've only ever had a breakdown similar to that, and that was in front of my mother when i was fourteen, and it was NO where near as bad as sunday night. i literally handed him my heart, and he just has not done ANYTHING with it.

he treats me more often than not like i'm just a good buddy. that's all i feel like anymore. it just feels.....off.

and i'm scared. because this is the man i said i was going to spend the rest of my life with.........and now i'm not so sure. God, please help me. All i'm asking, God, is to have that sparkle back...










..................i just want my sparkle back.

Apr. 12th, 2006

white collar/ doctor who

we got in!

i am now a proud sister of phi sigma sigma <3 we got in thursday, which was great b/c then i got to go home and show my mom my letters :o)

things are good. i'm no longer pledging, the sun is shining, and i've started going back to the gym ;o)

Mar. 6th, 2006

white collar/ doctor who

(no subject)

it's funny, everytime someone asks me how pledging's going my reply is always "...it's going..." it's neither a negative statement, nor one that notes easiness (hah believe me for those who think it is...it's NOT) it's just what it is.

i cannot wait to move out of my dorm. period. if all goes as we hope, me, kt day, courtney rose, and steph haupin will living living in the village. it'll be great, because we're all in the honors program, so we all understand our workload, not to mention we all respect the fact we study in different ways and sometimes require quiet, or no parties that night, or no staying up late and bothering, no bringing obnoxious people over, no setting fires, you get the drift ;o)

and our apartment is going to be the cutest, most awesome place to hang out in EVER! court and i think we should do the bathrooms in duckstyle...rubber duckies that is <3


ohhh lordie, this week's gonna be a doozie, one day down, a few thousand more to go <3

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